


because i could not stop for death

by sockablock



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (it's shadowgast if you squint alright), Consecuted!Caleb AU, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Reincarnation, canon adjacent, flashback city, i have no excuse for this sdhjdfk, jay's descent into shadowgast hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-18 19:31:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20318329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockablock/pseuds/sockablock
Summary: Essek's gaze is carefully blank as he leans in, closes the gap."…how did you hear of Azadrun’s Series?”Caleb stops.He really gives this some thought.“Er…but it was you who taught me that,” he says, eventually. “During one of our sessions, yes? Where else could I have learned of such things?”“You are askingme?” Essek snorts. “I certainly do not recall sharing it with you.”





	1. The Flow of Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoseTheScribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseTheScribe/gifts).
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An upload from an older drabble posted on tumblr, based on a prompt from @rosethescribe, who said: _For the made up fic title: "Because I could not stop for Death"_

The tip of Caleb’s quill glides quick across the page. His lips, pressed thin in concentration, gently part as he mouths the spell.

Maybe it is just the repeated practice, but recently his learning of new incantations has been much faster. Maybe he _does _just have a knack for dunamancy, as he had privately hoped. These last few formulas in particular are the clearest of the lot so far. Their logic breathes a simple sense, and these symbols and phrases—previously unintelligible—sing to him like his own native tongue. It is truly amazing, the progress he has made, even despite being under strict supervision.

Then again, he huffs as he reaches for the inkwell, maybe it is only _because _of this supervision that he has managed to come so far.

He does not have to look up from his work to know that Essek is seated closely at his side. Currently, the mage is making a grand show of being deeply engrossed with a book, but both of them know as well as the other that the Shadowhand’s gaze is half-trained on Caleb, watching to ensure he copies nothing untoward.

That is fine, though. Of course. Patience is something that Caleb also learned, and not just from the Dynasty.

He smooths down another section of the page. He leans in to further examine an equation.

“You know,” he says lightly, as conversationally as he can, “I do not wish to be presumptive, but…I believe parts of this spell could be adjusted. This phrase, here,” he gestures to a line, “it introduces a great deal of thaumaturgical uncertainty. It behaves poorly with the following clause. Better to replace it, I should think, with Azadrun’s Ninth Scaling Series.”

This is followed by a very long pause.

Caleb blinks.

He looks up. He blinks again.

“W—Essek? Is that…oh. Er, I just meant—if I miss-stepped, I apologize, that was…”

He trails off, as Essek does not respond. Instead, the Shadowhand’s eyes are wide and frozen, his jaw hangs slack, book limp in his grasp.

Neither of them moves for all of twenty seconds.

Finally, glacially, Essek leans back.

“…_what_?”

Caleb flounders.

“I, ah, I, er…I was just proposing,” he stumbles, “proposing to make a slight amendment. If you, if you would take a look, you might perhaps agree with me.” He flips the journal around like a madman, nearly spilling ink everywhere as he points. “See, ah, see this section? That is…but, ah…_ach,_ it is possible that you…also would not. You, er, you understand this content much better than I, of course.”

He all but shoves his work under Essek’s bewildered nose. 

“See, ah, this, yes?” His quill shakes in his grasp. “This, ah, this, right here—”

There’s the brush of fabric as Essek lifts his hands. “Hold…please, Widogast, hold a moment. Just…just take a breath. Please.”

Caleb, desperate to stop talking, does.

“…well, okay, you should also let it go.”

“—_h_. Oh. Yes_, _that is better. And, er, sorry, if I should not ha—”

Essek swiftly shakes his head.

“No, no, please, no. It is just…well, this is a conundrum.” He raises his left eyebrow, a stark curve on twilight skin. “Though certainly, I would not pass judgement without first asking you two questions.”

Caleb’s expression falters again.

“Two questions? Are they…are they to prove my theory?”

“No,” Essek says, and his face is carefully blank. “Well, not for now, anyway. No, it is more that I am curious…how did you hear of Azadrun’s Series?”

Caleb stops. 

He really gives this some thought. 

“Er…but was it not _you _who taught me that? During…during one of our sessions, yes?” Slowly, he scratches the back of his head. “I…yes, it was…just so. After all, where else could I have learned of such a thing?”

“You are asking _me_?” Essek snorts. “I certainly do not recall sharing it with you.”

“But…” Caleb frowns again. “But…_I _do. It…yes, it was a while back…”

There is the briefest flicker of…_something _beneath his skull. He rubs his face, and thinks even harder.

“We…we discussed higher-level principles,” he continues. “You…you told me my formula was off.”

Essek tilts his head to the side.

“Did I?” he prompts. “Are you sure?”

“I…” The memory hums a bit brighter. Caleb turns toward it, all-consuming in the dark— 

“Certain…certainly, y-yes. It was for a very, a very localized spell, one that would counter the flow of time…”

He closes his eyes. Essek leans in, fingers tapping loud against the page.

“What did it do _exactly_?” he asks. “When did you write it? What was it called?”

“Called?” Caleb echoes. He scours his mind, the memory, for answers, twisting and turning and frantic in the light. “It was…what was…no, no, it was…it was called nothing. I-I never managed to…to finish it…there was…there was a phrase in the middle that eluded me to the very end…”

He spits out a swear, and the burning glow fades. The void of its warmth, left behind, makes him shiver.

He isn’t sure what is worse: such a vivid, yet foreign scene, or the blurring of its edges when the image slips away.

And then, is a gentle pressure on his arm.

He opens his eyes.

It’s Essek, standing close. His gaze holds the careful weight of a century—maybe two, but no more than that.

“…Caleb?” he murmurs. “Are you…alright?”

Caleb shakes his head. “I…ah…but I will be. That was just…it was very odd.” He slowly draws himself back up, squeezes the bridge of his nose and sighs. “I do not…I am not so sure what happened.

He feels Essek pulling away and suddenly he needs to add:

“I am sorry. If, ah, if I made you worry.”

For a moment, Essek says nothing. Then the Shadowhand crosses his arms.

“I would like to ask my second question, now. Do you mind?”

Caleb is slightly taken aback, but makes a vague gesture to go on.

Essek skims his pallid face. He says:

“_When did you learn Undercommon_?” 

There is, for a second time that day, a long pause.

Caleb blinks.

“_When did…when did I learn _what_?_”

“_Undercommon,_” Essek says again, and now there’s a manic sheen to his eyes. Caleb has never seen him so shaken, so beyond faint amusement—utterly shocked. 

“_We have…_both_ been speaking it awhile now_,” Essek adds.“_Speaking…High Undercommon, to be exact. It is a very old dialect that _I _only know from years of—Caleb, where did you_ learn _this?_”

Caleb opens his mouth. He closes it again.

His face contorts with the effort that it takes to twist his tongue into once-familiar shapes.

He says, in very forced Common:

“I…do…I did not.”

For a while, they sit there in total silence. The candlelight in the library quivers.

And then, very, _very_ slowly, Essek nods.

“I see.”

A beat.

“I think, ah…I think…perhaps…we should take you to the Queen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! Comments and Kudos are very appreciated, and you can always find me over on tumblr, as @sockablock, for more drabbles and fics and requests.
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> <3


	2. We Shall Have to See

“But what do you _mean, _you won’t see her?”

“_Ach_, I didn’t say I _won’t_—”

“But you are not saying _yes, _Caleb. You haven’t said you _will_.”

“I just need more time. This is…a lot to process.”

From down in his seat at their desk, Essek scoffs. He is watching Caleb pace the length of the study, his posture growing more impatient by the second.

“Caleb,” his voice borders on stern. “Caleb, it will be worse if you put it off. Trust me, you _have _to speak with the Queen. Or the Skysybil, at least. They will know what to do.”

Caleb drags his hand through his hair. “Do they?” he asks. “Are you _certain_, Essek? Because I have a feeling that once I tell them _anything_, I will not be able to take it back. My life is going to change very drastically, and…and I do not know if I want that to happen.”

Essek sighs. “Caleb, if you really are_…_Consecuted, then things are going to change no matter what. This is not something that can be put off. This is your _soul_, Caleb. It cannot be ignored.”

Caleb shakes his head and turns around. “I’m not trying to _ignore_ it, Essek, I am just…_gods_. Are you…are you _sure_?”

“_Do you understand what I am saying right now_?”

He waves a hand. “We have done this already, Thelyss.”

“And you have recounted the memory to me,” Essek agrees. “That is fairly good proof, I would say.”

“But…Consecution? How could that be _possible_? And why am I only finding out _now_?”

Essek scratches his chin and leans back. “I admit I am wondering that also. You are…what? Already twenty? Fifty? Er…how do humans…”

This is enough to give Caleb pause. “Really?”

Essek shrugs. “I have not met many of you, before.”

“I believe that,” Caleb huffs. “And I am thirty-three. Which, if I understand your point, makes me an adult.”

“Right,” Essek nods. “So it is quite late for your memories to be reasserting themselves.”

Caleb winces a little, at that. “Can we not call them _my _memories, yet?”

“_The _memories,” Essek amends. “Usually, they resurface when you are young. You are _sure _that you never saw flashes of y—of other lives in the past?”

Caleb considers this. “What…at what age do they normally occur? Or what developmental stage?”

“When a youth transitions into adulthood,” Essek says. “Near the end of that process.”

“Ah,” says Caleb. Now he is still. “That, er…was a complicated time for me.”

“From what I remember about watching my brother age, it was complicated for most of us.”

Now Caleb is fidgeting, though, and that is surprising even to Essek.

“No,” he says, slowly, haltingly, almost hesitant. “Er…you might misunderstand. I have…_no _real memories of that time. The ones that I do are…vague. And unpleasant.”

Essek is quiet. They both are, for a while. Distantly, they can hear a door shut and close; the rest of the Mighty Nein are busy at home.

“I am sorry,” Essek says eventually. It is not particularly soft, or gentle, but he means it.

Caleb nods. “Thank you.”

Then the Shadowhand claps his hands. “If…that is the case, then…perhaps we should focus on just _this _instance. When you remembered, what was it like? How did it feel?”

Caleb, a little hesitantly, thinks back. “There was…I felt something when it happened. Er…a sort of light. Something…very warm. And very bright.” He grimaces. “Is that another symptom?”

Essek shakes his head. Caleb notices, for the first time, that Essek looks nearly as harried as he feels.

“I do not believe the Luxon holy,” Essek says, “but describing it like a disease might be…unfair.”

“Sorry,” Caleb says quickly. “I did not mean—”

He waves a hand. “It is fine. And…well, do you trust me?”

Caleb hesitates for a moment. He can’t help it.

Essek doesn’t fault him. “Trust me on _this_,” he says instead. “I am quite good at Dunamancy, no?”

This time, a smile tugs on Caleb’s lips. “That is true.”

Essek nods, and motions for Caleb to sit. His chair creaks.

This time, Essek’s words are softer, delivered with a little more tact. “Everything that I know about the ritual points to…it points to this being Consecution. Your description of the light only serves to solidify my conviction even more. It is…_possible, _for whatever it is worth, that this _could _just be some sort of…side effect of your studies, but I highly doubt it. The memory you had is too personal, to solidly in your point of view. Not to mention your sudden acquisition of a new—or rather, old—language.”

“It could come in handy,” Caleb manages. “It will make talking to shopkeepers more interesting.”

He meets Essek’s gaze. His smile wanes.

“I…have spent so much of my life being Ca—well, being me. For so long, I…I have carried the burdens that being _me_ entails, the sins, the regrets, and the dreams all alike. But…I do not know how to be anyone else. I do not know if I…can.”

Essek studies his face. He watches the candlelight weave through his hair, in his eyes.

He exhales. 

“Alright. It’s…you’re right. Let’s wait.”

Caleb jolts to look at him. “What?”

Essek sighs. He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Believe me, it goes against quite a lot of what I know, but you _do _have a point. You need time to process this. I should not push you to speak to the Queen so quickly. And, ultimately, it is _your _life. Your choice.”

The flames dance gently between them.

“I am here, though,” he adds softly. “If you would like someone to talk to.”

Caleb’s shoulders relax. He nods, and lightly touches Essek’s arm.

“Thank you.”

Essek chuckles. “You are welcome. Although I…hope you would not mind me saying that I _am _rather curious about how your…particular situation came to be.”

Caleb breathes out a little laugh as well. Then he seems to start. Essek realizes at about the same time.

“Ah.”

“It makes the most sense, _ja_?”

“Gods, and there…there _are…_you are not the only case. Though most of them were…younger.”

Essek looks around the study. He waves his hand for good measure, then leans back when he seems to decide they are alone.

The expression he gives Caleb is amused at best. At worst, roiling in guilt.

“I think I might owe you another apology. For…complicating your life further. In rather unexpected ways.”

Caleb shuffles in his seat. “We shall have to see just how unexpected, I suppose. But…for what it’s worth…thank you.”

“Do not thank me yet,” Essek sighs. “We still have to see, no? Although,” his lip twitches, “it _would _appear that you were a rather educated mage in the past. Final spell incomplete or no, Azadrun’s series is a complicated sequence. If you continue to remember, you might end up teaching _me _something.”

Caleb huffs at his attempt at humor. “Perhaps I can repay what I owe you, then. You have, after all, taught me quite a bit.”

“No,” says Essek almost immediately. “No, you do not owe me anything. Not…now.” He looks down.

He starts when Caleb takes his hand. 

“Essek?”

His wretched gaze returns. He finds himself staring into a pair of blue eyes.

“Yes?” he breathes, because he has to.

“I_ would _like someone to talk to. And,” Caleb’s brow lifts, “it would be nice if that someone were you. Least of all because you are the Dynasty’s resident Dunamantic expert.”

Essek, despite himself, laughs.

“Then you have him,” he nods. “Of course you have him. And…whatever this means, whatever you…you wish to do about this, you have him no matter what. I will do what I can to help you.”

He feels Caleb squeeze his hand.

“Thank you.”

He looks back into those eyes. There are a thousand things he wants to say. Some of them, he knows, he never should and never could. Some of them are bursting to be freed and to be heard.

He sits back and laces his fingers.

“So,” he tilts his head. “What will you tell the rest?”

Caleb freezes. His arm goes slack.

“Oh, _gods. _I hadn’t even thought of that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look. LOOK. I know it's been a full calendar year, but the potential of this story has never once left me and SO here we are, with a chapter two. Y'all must be extremely aware by now that I am notorious for starting WIPs, and I can't promise another update anytime soon, but! I really enjoy this premise, and hopefully with more time, I shall return.
> 
> For now, though! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and you can always find me as @sockablock on [tumblr](https://sockablock.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/sockablock)! 
> 
> Until next time <3


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